I was watching The Bear and contemplating the suicidal thought process.
The people left behind are trying to understand, to deal with the uncertainty and guilt.
But as someone who has survived suicide, let me ease your burden.
When I’m in the throes of suicidal ideation, basically, which means I’m considering and thinking about ending life—my brain is literally not in its right mind.
There is no reason or reasoning. It’s like trying to think through static.
It feels as though you’re swimming in dark air, not even water to hold you up. You can only see two inches in front of you, if that. It’s like there’s a wall blocking your mind from going forward or backward.
And yet, there’s so much noise—a cacophony of sounds: yelling, anguish, tears, laughter.
And here’s the weird part—there’s also nothingness.
No future. No past. No now.
Just the utter absence of hope.
How could I possibly explain that to anyone while I’m in it?
All I wanted was full stop.
To shut it off—the pain, the noise, the heaviness of existing.
Before my attempt, there was pain. Deep, deep loneliness. And the belief that no one would ever understand me.
For me, Jesus healed that pain. He filled the void that tortured me.
And still, I suffer from major depressive disorder—because it is not just trauma. It is chemistry.
But now, when I feel that “dark night of the soul” approaching, I’ve learned to hold on—and to reach out.
I didn’t know that then.
And if I had completed my trial, those left behind would have been left asking:
Why? Could I have seen it? Could I have done more? Did I miss something?
The honest answer is: maybe.
But understand—that is not a statement of guilt.
It’s a statement of awareness.
We need to let others know we see them.
Tell them we love them.
Ask them if they’re okay—really okay.
Not everyone who faces trauma will become suicidal.
But for some of us, our brain chemistry doesn’t bounce back easily—if at all.
When someone is in suicidal pain, their brain is dysregulated.
Serotonin and dopamine—those systems that help with hope, reward, motivation—are off balance.
Not just low—disrupted.
It’s about malfunctioning circuits. It’s about the way stress, trauma, and hopelessness chemically rewire perception.
But the beautiful, painful truth is: rewiring goes both ways.
With help, time, love, faith, and treatment—things can shift.
But no one in that moment can see it.
So, if you’re someone who’s never been there: don’t try to fix the pain. Just stay close.
And if you have been there: I see you.
I’m still here.
And so are you.
If you need emotional support, reach out to the national mental health hotline: 988.
The Pondering Place 